Blah, Blah, Blog...

Thrown Away

2012-01-11T17:33:00.004-06:00

As if it's been thrown away

Hopes and dreams

My soul

feels crumbled up and discarded

By the same one who promised to treat me gently if I let him in

And he did

for so long

Then the moment came when I was without barrier

And said those sweet words

of love and forever

That's when he decided

I might not be enough

Admitting I may never be

Causing my worst fear to come forward

And there is nothing I can do

Nothing I can say

To change my value in his eyes

He wants me to believe the words he shared were real

Only days before deciding I may never make him happy

He spoke words of love, longing and lifetime

Suddenly without warning he stole them all back

And my heart is breaking

My heart is lying on the floor in a pool of tears

I keep asking the same questions only to have them unanswered

I am screaming out

"HOW DID WE GO FROM THAT MAGICAL PLACE....THAT PLACE OF BLISS AND FOREVER to here"?

Overnight

and "WHY, OH GOD, EXPLAIN WHY DID HE HAVE TO TAKE ME DOWN THAT ROAD WHERE I FINALLY TRUSTED WITHOUT QUESTION only to break my heart into little pieces"?

Fighting the reaffirmation that I can't believe in men

That nothing lasts forever

And that I will never be enough......

The Optimist's Creed

2012-01-11T13:00:00.001-06:00

I need this today. I hope you like it, too.....

by Christian D. Larson

Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.

To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

Echoes From the Past

2012-01-05T21:47:00.000-06:00

Echoes from the past

I held my breath when he told me "we need to talk"...

I hold my breath each time anyone tells me "we need to talk"....

Because....

Of fear

Of past talks

Of the urgency to run

Of the knowing

...truly knowing

Even when it's only a lie I continue to tell myself....

That he's going to say

It's over

It's not working

It's not enough

You're not enough

You'll never be enough

No you'll never be enough

Enough

And I create pain to feel

When it's not even rational

Or true

But that's not what he says

Not this time

Not last time

Not anytime

It's just me in my head hearing echoes from the past

01-05-2012

PHG

Love

2012-01-02T14:02:00.011-06:00

I saw this image on one of my favorite facebook pages (http://www.facebook.com/MyExceptionalLiving) and I started thinking....What holds us back from the expression of love when it's human nature to possess?

What is the reason so many people guard against the one thing we all long for? Fear is the common denominator I hear in conversation. Excuses not to love, be loved or express love sound like a symphony of angst, a cacophony of trepidation:

"I'll never let anyone in again", "I'll never forgive her", "I'm not going to be hurt again in this lifetime", "If I say it and he doesn't say it back I'll be embarrassed", "What if I say it and they break my heart later"?

No doubt these are rational thoughts. Haven't we all had them from time to time? But to live in them? To what end? Loneliness, bitterness, baggage and walls? We keep people at bay believing we are protecting ourselves but in the long run aren't we really losing out? I'm not talking about running amuck, taking what I can get when it's given. I'm talking about real, pure, grown-up expression and demonstrations of a feeling coming from inside.

This is my personal decision:

This time around I'm not going to hold love hostage. I'm going to, with consideration of others hearts, say the things I'd like to say each day, even when I'm afraid of sending out unreturned emotion. This is life. My one and only life. If I've got passion, warmth and love in my heart, my commitment is to express it freely, without expectation. Regardless of what comes back, at the end of the day I want to lay my head down knowing you never had to wonder if I loved you.

I do.

Decisions, Transitions, and Peace

2011-12-26T09:14:00.002-06:00

If someone in my life could grow with confrontation and feedback, why would I choose to refrain?

So many reasons…..but those most important to the decision I have made to remove myself emotionally instead of continue to engage is simply for the protection of my own serenity and mental health.

The decision did not come easily and, on occasion, I can find myself emotionally in that toxic space again. I am thankful it is no longer daily. Some of the transitions I had to make in order to reach the decision of self-preservation were paradigm shifts in my thinking and beliefs. While difficult during engagement, they have proven to be the right decisions for the outcome I desired: Peace.

There are times I wish I had the ability to provide the feedback to the person because I see their life spiraling out of control and their circle of support diminishing. However, I must rely on the information and experience I have with these attempts. None in the past have worked. Many, including myself, have given them feedback and approached them in genuine concern and love only to be meet with aggression and resistance. On most occasions these attempts are then held against the concerned party and eventually vented back in rage and venomous attacks. While that belligerent behavior is one of the many things that cause people great concern, apparently, it will continue to work as the defense mechanism for this individual to stay sick and stuck. Who wants to be attacked when they go to a person in genuine worry and concern?

I do care about this person. I do not hold resentments. I have let go. My wish for them may never come true. I had hoped they would see their own faults and become responsible for them…and change and stay changed. But I understand my journey and theirs are not the same. I know how freeing it is to take responsibility, in word and deed, for my actions. Today that has to be enough.

Prayerful and Peaceful

Just Write Something

2011-12-11T12:53:00.003-06:00

I have slacked in my writing lately. So I am following the simple directions of several fellow bloggers. Just write something.

It is the holiday season.....

In the past few weeks I have put up my Christmas tree then put it up again. The dear little thing fell over in the middle of the night. I lost a few ornaments. But this one remains intact. And it is a favorite.

This year I have attempted to bring a festive mood back to this time of the year for my son's sake. And I see that he is talking about his grandmother a lot more. This is our first year with Max, our dog. My Sonshine even bought him a stocking to hang on the mantel. I love his spirit of giving. He is a lot like his grandmother. That reminds me she will be with us always.

My commitment to myself (and you) is to write more often. Even if only a little.

Happy Holidays.

Fall in College

2011-11-08T11:41:00.005-06:00

In the fall of 1992 I was a junior at The University of North Texas. I moved to Denton from San Antonio, where I was attending UTSA, the school I wanted to attend. Why did I move? A man.

He was a drug user and often abusive. In October of 1992 I decided to leave. My family drove to Denton and packed a Uhaul with my belongings and took me back to Central Texas. At the time I thought I might die from brokenness. Interestingly, that was probably when I began some of the most incredible growth of my life.

I had the guts to face demons, live without an unhealthy relationship and redefine what I wanted in my life.

Nearly twenty years later I am walking around the same campus, in a much different role. And I see things that look familiar but feel no feelings that look the same. I have so much gratitude for the person I have become in those twenty years. So grateful for making that decision. Because this is a month of Thanksgiving, I thought I would remind myself that even, or especially, during times of struggle I have grown.

Thanks.

Austin Community College Article

2011-10-18T08:03:00.002-05:00

Here is a link about the Big Texas Rally for Recovery written by a student at ACC. Well done, Aaron.

http://www.theaccent.org/multimedia/students-texans-rally-for-recovery-1.2637807#.Tp1CNLLqkul

Austin

2011-09-27T09:09:00.003-05:00

About six and a half months ago I embarked on a new journey that led me to Austin, Texas. The first day I arrived I felt like a fish out of water. I recall going to the corporate apartment that evening and calling several people to let them know I didn't think I would make it. But, I did.

Now my work in Austin is almost over. And I have a new direction in DFW. But a piece of my heart is still there.

I have met some incredible people that will take me back to Central Texas. Some who have forever changed my life. I am a richer person because of the experience. I am a stronger person because of the experience.

I will remind myself time and again that the first day was easily overcome. As have been most of my struggles. And I turned out much happier for taking them on.

I will miss you. But I will be back.

Drug deaths now outnumber traffic fatalities in U.S., data show

2011-09-19T09:36:00.006-05:00

Fueling the surge are prescription pain and anxiety drugs that are potent, highly addictive and especially dangerous.

Lori Smith of Aliso Viejo with photographs of her son Nolan, who died of a drug overdose in January 2009, six months shy of his 16th birthday. A toxicology test turned up Zoloft, which had been prescribed for anxiety, and a host of other drugs that had not been prescribed, including two additional anti-anxiety drugs, as well as morphine and marijuana. (Liz O. Baylen / Los Angeles Times / September 18, 2011). 

Propelled by an increase in prescription narcotic overdoses, drug deaths now outnumber traffic fatalities in the United States, a Times analysis of government data has found.  Drugs exceeded motor vehicle accidents as a cause of death in 2009, killing at least 37,485 people nationwide, according to preliminary data from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.  While most major causes of preventable death are declining, drugs are an exception. The death toll has doubled in the last decade, now claiming a life every 14 minutes. By contrast, traffic accidents have been dropping for decades because of huge investments in auto safety.  Public health experts have used the comparison to draw attention to the nation's growing prescription drug problem, which they characterize as an epidemic. This is the first time that drugs have accounted for more fatalities than traffic accidents since the government started tracking drug-induced deaths in 1979.  Fueling the surge in deaths are prescription pain and anxietydrugs that are potent, highly addictive and especially dangerous when combined with one another or with other drugs or alcohol. Among the most commonly abused areOxyContin, Vicodin, Xanax and Soma. One relative newcomer to the scene is Fentanyl, a painkiller that comes in the form of patches and lollipops and is 100 times more powerful than morphine.  Such drugs now cause more deaths than heroin and cocaine combined.

The most commonly abused prescription drug, hydrocodone, also is the most widely prescribed drug in America, according to the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency. Better known as Vicodin, the pain reliever is prescribed more often than the top cholesterol drug and the top antibiotic.  "We have an insatiable appetite for this drug — insatiable," Joseph T. Rannazzisi, a top DEA administrator, told a group of pharmacists at a regulatory meeting in Sacramento.  In April, the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy announced initiatives aimed at stanching prescription drug abuse. The plans include a series of drug take-back days, modeled after similar programs involving weapons, in which consumers are encouraged to turn leftover prescription drugs in to authorities.

Another initiative would develop voluntary courses to train physicians on how to safely prescribe pain drugs, a curriculum that is not widely taught in medical schools.  Initial attempts to reverse the trend in drug deaths — such as state-run prescription drug-monitoring programs aimed at thwarting "doctor-shopping" addicts — don't appear to be having much effect, experts say.  "What's really scary is we don't know a lot about how to reduce prescription deaths," said Amy S.B. Bohnert, a researcher at the University of Michigan Medical School who is studying ways to lower the risk of prescription drugs.  "It's a wonderful medical advancement that we can treat pain," Bohnert said. "But we haven't figured out the safety belt yet."

Where were you?

2011-09-11T14:53:00.002-05:00

My son turned 8 months old on 9/11/2001. His dad had only been out of the military a few months. We’d just moved back from Germany. We built a new home in Rockwall County and been there only two months.

I went to work that day. With a long time friend and colleague I was taking my first group of students from the LCDC Training School (now called Institute of Chemical Dependency Studies) on a ROPES course. As we were driving down the road I received a phone call from my son’s dad. He told me what was happening.

I shared the information with everyone in the van. Everyone started making phone calls. I called a friend still working on the military base in Germany. Then I called a friend who lived in Brooklyn, New York, though that call would not go through.

I remember having a great deal of fear and so many questions. The students decided to continue on with the ROPES course that day, as there was little we could do from Dallas, Texas. After we finished we stopped in a store with a grill and got some food. We ate there while we watched the first television broadcasts we’d seen all day.

I felt fear about my son’s dad having just gotten out of the military. I was afraid they would call him back. He would have loved being able to go back but I was worried about our sweet little 8-month old boy being without him.

I felt distress about the world my son would be raised in. I knew in my heart America would never be the same after 9/11/2001.

In the days that followed I felt a great deal of pride in America and its people. Strangers were coming together because silently we all seemed to know it was necessary. I remember wondering, and even hearing on television, discussions about when the right time to go back to doing things we used to do would be.

I sensed we never really would go back to the way it once was. When Homeland Security was developed and everyday since I have never once been angry for being asked to remove my shoes or allow my bags to be examined at the airport. I do get frustrated when people are upset about this process. I have visited countries that do much more search in an airport and never even ask permission. I understood the mandatory change.

Life hasn’t been the same. It likely never will.

I value my freedom. I support our troops and I thank God everyday that I am a citizen of the best country on earth. I won’t ever forget that day. I wrote my son a letter that day hoping to capture what life was like before. One day maybe he will understand its significance.

God Bless America.

Big Nate

2011-08-30T20:56:00.002-05:00

My Sonshine had an author visit his school this week....and the author mentioned him in his blog. He was so excited!!!!

http://www.bignatebooks.com/about-the-author

Support Needed

2011-08-13T18:07:00.001-05:00

I am writing you today to tell you about an upcoming event that I am participating in that is both very important and very exciting to me. NAMIWalks, the signature walkathon event of the National Alliance on Mental Illness, is being held in Ft. Worth, TX at Fort Worth Botanic Garden on October 15, 2011.

I would like to ask you to come and walk with me or to donate to support my participation in this great event. Visit my personal walker page to sign up: http://www.nami.org/namiwalks11/NTC/PaulaHellerGarland

It features a link to my team's page where you can see who else is walking with me. There is also a link so you can donate directly to me online. Donating online is fast and secure, and I'll get immediate notification via e-mail of your donation.

NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, is the largest education, support and advocacy organization that serves the needs of all whose lives are touched by these illnesses. This includes persons with mental illness, their families, friends, employers, the law enforcement community and policy makers. The NAMI organization is composed of approximately 1100 local affiliates, 50 state offices and a national office.

The goals of the NAMIWalks program are: to fight the stigma that surrounds mental illness, to build awareness of the fact that the mental health system in this country needs to be improved, and to raise funds for NAMI so that they can continue their mission.

NAMI is a 501(c)3 charity and any donation you make to support my participation in this event is tax deductible. NAMI has been rated by Worth magazine as among the top 100 charities "most likely to save the world" and has been given an "A" rating by The American Institute of Philanthropy for efficient and effective use of charitable dollars.

Thank you in advance for your support.

Sincerely,

Paula Heller Garland

Ice Cream Social in Austin Wednesday!

2011-08-13T13:05:00.000-05:00

Dear Caroline,

Beat the Heat and come join us for the TEXAS RECOVERS! Ice Cream Social this Wednesday, August 17th from 2 - 3:30pm at Communities for Recovery in Austin, Texas.

Paula Heller-Garland, the Project Director for the BIG TEXAS RALLY FOR RECOVERY will be there to share the message and purpose of this important state-wide inaugural event in Texas.

Please invite your friends, family, business and community allies too! The purpose of this Ice Cream Social is to share with you the opportunities to get involved:

Learn about THE BIG TEXAS RALLY FOR RECOVERY
Volunteer at the THE BIG TEXAS RALLY FOR RECOVERY

Share your ideas to support THE RALLY

Help us bring over 10,000 people to the State Capitol on Saturday, October 1, 2011 to RALLY FOR RECOVERY.

We need your voice to help bring awareness to ending the STIGMA and DISCRIMINATION often associated with people living in and seeking RECOVERY!!

Please RSVP by clicking here!!

Texas Recovers! is a non-profit organization working to change public perceptions about RECOVERY from substance use and co-occurring mental health conditions, increase accessibility to recovery supports, and highlight the power of recovery to change lives in a positive way.

HELP SUPPORT PEOPLE LIVING IN AND SEEKING RECOVERY TODAY!

PURCHASE YOUR "RECOVERY ROCKS" RIBBON STICKER TODAY.

Click below to get a "Recovery Rocks" Ribbon:

1 RIBBON FOR $5.00

3 RIBBONS FOR $10.00

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER FOR THE BIG TEXAS RALLY FOR RECOVERY!!

The Best Kept Secret...

2011-07-17T21:51:00.004-05:00

Do you remember when you first heard about AIDS? No one really knew enough about it to understand the difference between HIV and AIDS or realize that you can’t contract it through casual contact? There was little research, little education, little funding, and the thought of AIDS meant a death sentence. People made rude comments about the disease. Having the disease was the punch line to jokes. It was acceptable to associate AIDS to the homosexual community. In fact, it was even acceptable to assume one homosexual if they were diagnosed positive.

Do you recall the time in American history when cancer was something we didn’t talk about when someone was diagnosed? Or even, perhaps, a time when the use of racial slurs was completely accepted in the workplace and schools?

What is the reason that has changed? It appears to me to have changed through education and action. Communities of people impacted by the discrimination and stigma rose up and took a stand. They insisted it not be okay to speak with derogatory words. They decided that instead of living in stigma they would insist that the world be educated.

The American Medical Association made the decision to classify behavioral health diagnoses diseases and long before that groups of people were seeking refuge from what they knew had to be more than a choice. So, what is the reason are we still in hiding? Why do people who are in recovery or people educated to treat those with behavioral health diagnoses remain silent? What is causing us to allow the discrimination and stigma to go on?

I have heard some say it is in the traditions of some recovery programs to remain anonymous. The way I read those traditions say it is only inappropriate to mention the particular program. There is no literature saying a person in recovery cannot tell others they are in recovery. This may cause someone to question the reason they would put themselves at risk of being looked down upon for openly saying they are recovering. I assume people with HIV or AIDS, with cancer, with disabilities, or in minority groups, in the past might have felt the same way. What if they had decided to allow the discrimination to go on and not speak out against it through the truth?

Still recovery remains the best kept secret! People in recovery are looked upon as people still struggling to remain sober, clean or not impacted daily with their mental health issues. But, that isn’t the case. People in recovery are productive workers, well -educated, good parents, our neighbors, our friends, our classmates, our teachers, our therapists. What if we stood up together, as people in recovery, those who work in the behavioral health field, and those who love and support people in recovery instead of living in silence and allowing the discrimination to go on?

When is the last time you heard or used pejorative words to describe people in recovery? I daily hear on TV, radio, and in casual conversations people calling others “crazy”. Even people in recovery call themselves or others “drunks”. How will we move past the stigma if we don’t stop doing it ourselves? Recovery from chemical dependency doesn’t mean you are a “drunk” and addressing your mental health issues doesn’t mean you are “crazy”. If people in recovery and those who understand by supporting people in recovery aren’t the voices that rise up, who will?

I invite you to stand with me at The Big Texas Rally for Recovery in Austin Texas on the South Steps of the State Capitol on October 1, 2011 beginning at 4:00 PM to let people see how recovery from addiction and mental health issues really looks. Beginning at 4:00 PM Thomas, “Hollywood” Henderson will share his personal story of recovery. That will be followed by The Jimi Lee band, a local Austin favorite, led by a man in recovery. This will all be emceed and broadcast by Neil Scott, from Recovery Coast to Coast radio.

Will you help END THE STIGMA?

From TAAP

2011-07-02T11:10:00.000-05:00

Featured Board TAAP Member.....

Paula Heller-Garland, MS, LCDC

Paula's experience in the addiction recovery field spans close to 20 years in a full spectrum of responsibilities including direct client care, program/curriculum development and management in multiple treatment mileaus.

A natural educator, Paula spent seven years training chemical dependency students, is an international lead trainer with NAADAC (National Association of Alcohol and Drug Abuse Counselors) and currently organizes and delivers educational events, workshops and conferences throughout the country.

She is a licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor, has a Master's degree in Addiction Counseling, and is currently pursuing her doctorate.

Paula is the Program Coordinator for the Big Texas Rally for Recovery in Austin on October 1, and an active member of Texas Recovers. When she isn't in Austin, she is in Dallas with her wonderful son.

Paula Heller-Garland, MS, LCDC

512.560.9609

paulahellergarland@yahoo.com
www.paulahellergarland.com

Decisions, Decisions....

2011-06-27T08:20:00.002-05:00

While working this morning I tuned the TV into Joyce Meyer, a Christian minister. Apparently, I was supposed to hear that message. I generally don’t have the television on while working. Lo and behold! She began speaking about something a friend and I were talking about just this weekend. Decisions.

I had an epiphany this weekend. And realized I had actually been working up to it for several weeks. In the past I have made many decisions based on emotion. And that doesn’t bode well for me. Many decisions have been in order to keep from feeling pain. Unfortunately, in the long run I feel more pain; stay stuck; become resentful; and miss opportunities to grow.

It occurred to me over lunch in a conversation that in the past I would get angry with people who made decisions I found “heartless”. I recalled that I would often say to myself, “how can someone who says they care about you hurt you”? I realized that sometimes, even when you do care about someone, the best decision is to move forward….even if that means without them.

I am the only one who truly knows what is right for me. And I have people I turn to and trust who help me stay accountable for what that is. (I don’t go it alone in my big dark head)! Hmm…so even when it might hurt, I will likely better be served to make decisions based on fact. Leaving a relationship that no longer works, leaving a job (even a career) that no longer serves you, or moving to another city…..decisions we all face…..while they involve emotion, I have to ask myself, “who am I living for”?

Hopefully me and my God!

Checked Baggage

2011-06-22T18:00:00.002-05:00

I was fifteen years old the first time I said to my mom, “I think I am going crazy”. That resulted in my beginning a self-introspective journey. Someone recommended a therapist that worked well with kids. I went.

I learned that I wasn’t “going crazy”. I was actually going through adolescence. I learned many valuable lessons by seeing that therapist. And a few thereafter. In addition to a few programs….you get the picture? I have spent more than half of my life in a process of healing.

I am ready to begin living.

In the course of becoming whole I was able to identify issues and areas that needed to be examined. A great deal of those problems sprung from low self-worth. I pinned it on being chubby and Chubby became a great excuse. Chubby and I became buddies – partners in crime. Not only was she a sympathetic companion but a place to lay blame.

I found many other “issues” to manifest and comfort myself as I moved through life. Chubby and I would fight, I would ex-communicate her for periods of time but invite her back and embrace her as we cried over a pan of brownies.

Today must be the first time I truly understand Chubby. I realize what I needed protection from and how rational it actually was that I developed my comrade. Today, as I live in the now, I recognize – not just in theory, that baggage has no place in my today.

As a clinician, I still hold fast to my favorite counseling theory, Cognitive Behavioral. I do believe our past shapes us (and very non-clinically, I interject) it will bite me in the butt IF I remain unconcious of it. Sure we all have issues! Don’t pretend I am the only one…..

I have recently ~~discovered~~ – nix the word discovered, I’ve known it in my head a long time! – I have recently begun to live at the height of awareness of the impact of my behavior today. When I’ve remained unconcious of my actions and simply said, “oh, there go my issues again” I have taken no responsibility. Sarcasm has been a favorite of my deeds. Easily, when hurt, I pop off something rather witty, but usually cutting and spiteful. Then say, “oh, I was just joking”! But the person I am aiming for is harmed nonetheless. I am responsible for that. You know the old saying: HURT PEOPLE, HURT PEOPLE!

In review of this ideology and the daily practice of concious behavior, I have discovered that others don’t deserve my baggage. Not even me.

Happy travels….no baggage to check!

TAAP State Conference

2011-06-20T18:55:00.004-05:00

We hope you will plan to join us for the Thirty-Seventh Annual State TAAP Conference on Addiction Studies, "The Age of Recovery: Let the Sunshine In!" Pull out your bell bottoms and tie-dye and meet us in San Antonio for this unforgettable conference.

July 28-30, 2011

Omni San Antonio Hotel at the Colonnade

Featuring:

25.5 CEUs

Workshop Sessions on
Ethics, Clinical Supervision, HIV/STD,
Prevention and Criminal Justice, plus many more!

Age of Recovery Dance

Polly Parsons

Daughter of legendary 60s singer-songwriter Gram Parsons, formerly of the band The Byrds, shares her father's story ranging fromHarvard University student, featured artist at Woodstock, and one of Rolling Stones' Top 100 Influential Artists, to his addiction and untimely and tragic overdose at the age of 26.

Sponsored by Hickory Wind Ranch

Candy Finnigan, BRI II

Board Certified Interventionist and star of the award winning A&E show Intervention.

Sponsored by Origins Recovery, LLC

Robert Weiss, LCSW, CSAT-S

Founding Director of The Sexual Recovery Institute - Los Angeles, an outpatient sexual addiction treatment center, and accomplished author of several books on sexual addiction.

Sponsored by Elements Behavioral Health

Keynote Panel: There is More Than One Way To Advocate

Paula Heller-Garland, Texas Recovers!, Mimi Martinez McKay, Chief of Staff, Legislative Liaison, Mental Health & Substance Abuse, TXDept. of State Health Services, Cynthia Humphrey, Association of Substance Abuse Programs, Joe Powell, Association of Persons Affected by Addiction

Sponsored by Summer Sky

First Annual Community Health Fair
-Designed especially for the regional clinician & vendors

-Ancillary support services for client referrals

-Holistic Medicine, yoga & massage therapy

-New Age Spirituality, acupuncture, 12 step alternatives

-Dozens of vendors, giveaways & demonstrations

-Food, music and networking

Visit www.taap.org for pricing and registration. Register by June 27thto receive early bird discount rates!

TAAP

1005 Congress Ave., Ste. 460

Austin, TX 78701

www.taap.org

Gratitude

2011-06-20T11:06:00.004-05:00

Today I am filled with gratitude. Even though things didn't work out in my marriage, my son has an incredible father.

Focusing on what I have, instead of what I don't.

Prayer

2011-06-20T08:15:00.004-05:00

I received this via email and wanted to pass it along to those of you who pray!

Please say this prayer, keeping in mind that over 1 million acres of Texas has burned up taking hundreds of people’s homes and several lives in the last 2-3 weeks. So far, we have been blessed in some parts of Texas but it is dry as a bone here and would only take 1 spark to set it off. Please say this daily and believe that God will Bless Texas.

This prayer was written in the1950's during an awful drought in Texas. The prayer was written by Father W. Schneider of St. Marys in Fredericksburg, who also ministered at St. Francis Church in Stonewall. It has gone all over the world.

A Prayer For Rain

Almighty God, we are in need of rain.

We realize now, looking up into the clear, blue sky above,

what a marvel even the least drop of rain really is.

To think that so much water can fall out of the sky,

which now is empty and clear!

We place our trust in You.

We are sure that You know our needs,

but You want us to ask You anyway,

to show You that we know we are dependent on You.

Look on our dry hills and fields, dear God, and

bless them with the living blessing of soft rain.

Then the land will rejoice and the rivers will sing

Your praises and the hearts of men will be glad.

AMEN.

Father's Day

2011-06-19T19:47:00.004-05:00

Father's Day of 1993 was the last my father was here. It seems like such a log time ago but his memory is big. It was only becoming an adult then. And at times I regret not having the opportunity to have had an adult relationship with him. The last time I saw him, even though I'd already been working as a professional for a year, he hugged me and gave me gas money. He always took care of me.

Being a helper was something that came naturally for him. I remember him for his strength. He was a very manly man. He embodied everything I saw as masculine. He worked for the railroad, farmed, hunted, fished, boated and provided for his family.

But he also showed love and a gentleness when needed. Anytime I hurt I know he wanted to fix it. He was a great dad. I just wanted to remember him out loud today.

Happy Father's Day daddy.

Words of Wisdom for Women

2011-06-17T16:34:00.002-05:00

Wanted to share one of those incredible finds of mine.....from buying a used book.

Words of Wisdom for Women by Rachel Snyder

Ache

"Feel deep down inside the pain of missing someone or something so badly it hurts. Notice the empty spaces around your heart that need filling. Tune into other aches in your body. When your belly burns with a red-hot fire, pay attention. What is the true source of your ache? What are you trying to digest that's too large, too hot, too unfamiliar to handle? Ache for the friend who died of AIDS too early. Ache for the mothering you never received, the love you had and then lost, the love you never had at all. Ache to be held, to be touched, to be adored. Ache for the sad woman down the block, the frightened child upstairs, the grieving parents around the corner. Let your heart ache and break and ache again---until it grows stronger and more able to open with ease".

....embracing all feelings...

CEU's

2011-06-15T15:48:00.000-05:00

Greetings!

Please join us for your continuing education classes. We are offering CEU classes beginning June 21, 2011. Listed below is the information about the upcoming classes. For further information, please call 972-423-8727.

STD/TB/HEP C/Communicable Disease

DATE: 06/21/2011

TIME: 9am- 12pm

LOCATION:

Access Counseling Group

2600 Avenue K, Ste. 102

Plano, TX 75074

COST: $30

PRESENTED BY: Paula Heller-Garland, MS, LCDC

Clinical Supervision

DATE: 07/07/2011

TIME: 9am- 12pm

LOCATION:

Access Counseling Group

2600 Avenue K, Ste. 102

Plano, TX 75074

COST: $30

PRESENTED BY: Paula Heller-Garland, MS, LCDC

HIV/AIDS

DATE: 07/19/2011

TIME: 9am- 12pm

LOCATION:

Access Counseling Group

2600 Avenue K, Ste. 102

Plano, TX 75074

COST: $30

PRESENTED BY: Paula Heller-Garland, MS, LCDC

Ethics

DATE: 08/02/2011

TIME: 9am- 12pm

LOCATION:

Access Counseling Group

2600 Avenue K, Ste. 102

Plano, TX 75074

COST: $30

PRESENTED BY: Paula Heller-Garland, MS, LCDC

Please RSVP to 972-423-8727 as soon as possible as space is limited. All participants will receive a certificate of completionand LCDCs can receive 3 CEUs for each class!

Sincerely,

Irene Little, M.S., LCDC, ADCIII, ICADC

Access Counseling Group

Closure

2011-06-14T11:55:00.003-05:00

Instead of a family event my "shoulds" tell me I "shoulda" gone to this weekend, I went to the beach.

It had been several weeks and not a day passed that I hadn't thought of that twelve year old boy who drown the last time I was there.

This trip was about closure for me. It needed to happen.

And I was grateful when I arrived at the beach. I thought I might have been in the wrong place because things looked differently.

As I approached the end of the paved road there was a warning sign about rip tides. It had not been there before. And there was a lifeguard stand with lifeguards....and another, and another...with caution flags warning of the level of waves.

It is still sad that a life was taken, no doubt. But it feels like it wasn't in vain.

And the water sounded a little less harsh as I breathed in the ocean.

Texas Recovers

2011-06-07T23:12:00.002-05:00

I am very excited about the organization I am contracting with currently to organize the first ever state-wide rally for recovery. Too many people still believe addiction and mental health issues are simply bad behaviors, choices, or moral failure. Those of us who know and understand it is really a brain disease are coming together to speak up. It is time that we END THE STIGMA.

If a diabetic ate too much cake they would still be treated in the ER. And they would not be incarcerated or looked down on by society for their disease.

Take a look at the website for more information.

www.texasrecovers.org

Music Therapy 101

2011-06-02T21:55:00.002-05:00

Music has been part of my life from day one. On the counter in the kitchen of the house in Heidenheimer, where I grew up, sat a black radio tuned to KASE 101. That was a country radio station out of Austin. Maybe that contributes to the stories I hear through music. Looking through the Billboard Top 100 from the year I was born, it was more difficult to find a song I didn’t love than my favorite….but I think I narrowed it a little:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7RfGe6MvY84

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bhrVXStJIM

And possibly my favorite of all….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PECk9A-07Pw

Songs can take me back. Often when I hear a song I go to that, “I remember when…” place in my mind…..and I enjoy it!

And there are so many more years to cover.

Smiling Now

2011-05-30T23:01:00.003-05:00

I have never lived more in the now than now.

And amazingly I find myself smiling more.

The challenge to stay positive

And continue to look at the bright side

Of every event and circumstance .

This is something that

In theory

I have understood before

But am finally doing this literally.

What a difference.

The now is beautiful.

CEU's

2011-05-27T09:03:00.002-05:00

You're Invited!

More Events

Our next class will be HIPAA and Confidentiality Issues

Look for more details soon!

Quick Links

Our Website

Greetings!

Please join us for your continuing education classes.

We are offering CEU classes.

Listed below is the information about the upcoming

classes.

For further information, please call 972-423-8727.

STD/TB/HEP C/

Communicable Disease

DATE: 06/21/2011

TIME: 9am- 12pm

LOCATION:

Access Counseling Group

2600 Avenue K, Ste. 102

Plano, TX 75074

COST: $30

PRESENTED BY:

Paula Heller-Garland, MS, LCDC

HIV/AIDS

DATE: 07/19/2011

TIME: 9am- 12pm

LOCATION:

Access Counseling Group

2600 Avenue K, Ste. 102

Plano, TX 75074

COST: $30

PRESENTED BY:

Paula Heller-Garland, MS, LCDC

Please RSVP to 972-423-8727

as soon as possible as space is limited.

All participants will receive a certificate of completion

and LCDCs can receive 3 CEUs for each class!

Sincerely,

Irene Little, M.S., LCDC, ADCIII, ICADC

Access Counseling Group

Powerful Soul

2011-05-25T22:07:00.002-05:00

You were born with it

You can’t change it

You know you have it

And own it

Because when you walk in the room

People notice

You have presence

Grace

Charisma

And

A powerful soul

People are drawn to you

And they can’t always put their finger on the reason

What a gift

What a responsibility

To have been adorned

With a powerful soul

Beside Me

2011-05-22T13:48:00.006-05:00

Last weekend I went to the Texas coast, a place of many great memories for my family. My weekend plans were simply to include a visit to Mustang Island and experience some of the wonders of nature.

A friend went with me. Because he had been to that area recently, he drove. Interestingly, he drove for a while on the beach and tried a couple of spots before pulling into the one we agreed was perfect. As we were driving toward the beach we were talking about the ocean. We talked about how powerful it was to realize the waves that crash on the shore come from so far away and how much energy they posses.

We sat up some chairs, put on sunscreen, opened a bottle of water….and sat down. We were taking in the ocean and beachgoers while listening to some music. I looked around at the people on either side of us. To our left was a family, I saw Mom, dad and a teenage boy who was texting. To my right was a multi-generational family ranging in age from what I assumed to be grandmother to infant. It was setting up to be a gorgeous and serene day.

No sooner than I sat down and evaluated my surroundings than did the mom from my left come to me and say, “should I call someone? I can’t find my son”! It took a moment to process what exactly she was saying to me. She actually had two sons. The teen I saw texting and her husband were going out into the water to look for the other son. I was sure I saw three heads in the water. I told her I did. I told her we could let the person up the beach selling permits know because there were no lifeguards. Even she seemed to be a worried mom more than a woman in crisis.

Soon she was calling 911, police were arriving, people on the beach began looking, the lifeguards arrived, jet skis and helicopters were deployed. There was a search for a 12-year old boy wearing a yellow shirt with a number 1 on the back. My heart ached. With a 10-year old of my own it was difficult not to think about the situation from the position of that mother, completely helpless and heartsick. I said a prayer, hugged my friend, and asked what I could do to help. Nothing. There was really nothing I, or anyone else on the beach could do but pray and count personal blessings. I took a walk to the jetty. The thoughts going through my mind were innumerable. Because I kept thinking about my own son I had to keep reminding myself that this wasn’t happening to me, just beside me.

After it had been at least an hour with no one finding this little boy, my friend and I decided to leave the beach. The time in the sun and sand we were looking forward to instead was turning into a feeling of despair. We drove away from the beach but conversations and thoughts turned time and again to that poor family. Seeing the mom drop to her knees in the sand and cry out from her gut a pain that only someone in that position could ever know will forever be etched into my memory of that day.

Late that night we were both still thinking about the events as they unfolded. He suggested a drive back to the water to bring some closure. As we stood in the water I felt so thankful to have been with a friend capable of hearing and expressing emotion.

The next day I searched several times on the local news updates to stay tuned into the story. Finally, late Sunday night I found that his body had been discovered two miles south of where he was last seen. While my heart was hurting, I felt some peace for that mom. I couldn’t imagine in my worst nightmare going through that experience. I couldn’t imagine being a mom who walked away from that beach without him.

http://www.caller.com/news/2011/may/15/swimmer-still-missing-in-the-gulf/

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/statesman/obituary.aspx?n=kacey-james-hendrix&pid=151116158&fhid=12067

New Shoes

2011-05-20T11:32:00.002-05:00

The newness of love wears like a fresh pair of shoes....
The hype and the drama of a new pair of shoes is like a new love too.

The first thought of your new pair of shoes, how they will look with your favorite pair of jeans

kinda like how that new person looks on your arm the first date...badass and lovin' it.

A new pair of shoes can give an old wardrobe new life,

bring back the flair, bring things to life you haven't worn in a while,

put a sizzle to your soul again, with new purpose and feeling once again,
just like new love too.

She's the only one for me or he can do no wrong

You haven't changed
Your new love is just new to you
Like that new pair of shoes....

Like a new pair of shoes there is no place you don't want to wear them
Not a place you don't want to take your new love

The tragedy is the end to the newness...

there comes that scuff
that stain
when the newness is gone..

Do you really want to keep those new shoes?
What will you do with those shoes after they are worn?
Keep them in the back of the closet because they are comfortable?

The cycle continues....called new love

(Written by Johnny Appleseed)

Johnny Appleseed

2011-05-16T22:04:00.003-05:00

I met this fellow, Johnny Appleseed. I have assigned him to be my private tour guide of Austin while I work here. He has been a gem. He has shown me parts of Austin I would not otherwise know. He has shown me the little nooks and crannies only someone who lives the Austin lifestyle daily frequent. He is a hippie with a positive outlook, motivated and forward thinking, a real open-minded, out of the box thinker. I am enjoying seeing a city through the eyes of someone who is not only local, but one who encourages me to be upbeat and inspired about life.

So often I speak of “out of the box thinking” and living a “conscious life”; however, not regularly do I meet someone who lives such a life. What an inspiration (and challenge) to see someone who really lives in the now, who looks forward and dares to stop when thoughts turn to pain from the past!

Interestingly enough, Johnny isn’t in the helping profession. While I understand one doesn’t have to be in the helping profession to have this outlook, it is a different experience for me. Just this evening while in a conversation with him I asked him for feedback about thought stopping. In the back of my mind I thought of an article I wrote about the subject. As I listened to his response I realized I met someone who lives the things I write about, the things I strive for.

Humph. Mr. Appleseed……I am watching you.

My Symphony

2011-05-10T11:14:00.002-05:00

I bought a used book Saturday. Inside was a great treasure. A bookmark with this reading:

My Symphony

To live content with small means;

To seek elegance rather than luxury

and refinement rather than fashion;

To be worthy, not respectable;

and wealthy not rich;

To study hard, think quietly,

talk gently,

act frankly

To listen to stars and birds,

To babes and sages with an open heart;

To bear all cheerfully,

do all bravely,

await occasions,

hurry never;

in a word

to let the spiritual, unbidden, and unconscious,

grow through the common;

This is my symphony

Wm. Henry Channing

Woven

2011-05-08T08:52:00.005-05:00

Many times I have said you are woven throughout my life. As Mother’s Day approached it occurred to me that memories of you are all around. Perhaps, in ways only I would understand.

As I was standing in my kitchen cooking yesterday, a quiet task that causes my mind to begin reminiscing (similar to washing dishes, cleaning the bathrooms and mowing), I reached for the kitchen scissors and off I went. Kitchen scissors. Who knew there were special scissors to cut food items? Mom did.

Every trip we have taken is represented in my home. And you were with me on my so many of them. I still remember when my son’s father (it is Mother’s Day, I won’t call him “baby daddy” today) asked “Aren’t we supposed to invite your mom on this vacation”? And I knew he fit well in our little family.

Even a walk into my Sonshine's room or around my living room, you are there. My books, my Polish pottery, my German crystal, you are there because you were there. What a lesson that is to me for my life. I can’t create memories I am not present to make. And you are present now because you were then. You are woven into the fabric of me because you were part of the material that made me. You didn’t mail it in or buy it for me. As a mom, you simply were present. And that has made all the difference.

No one else may ever understand why I get a tear in my eye when I smell bleach, chuckle a little when I see turtleneck sweaters, or long for Europe when it snows. But no one has to as long as I do.

I will forever miss you. I have grasped that. Nothing will replace you in my life. But I have memories of a wonderful life with you and a phenomenal relationship with you as an adult that will be part of who I am for the rest of my life.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Everyday Mom Memories....

Knowing we always have to leave bread in the oven about five extra minutes.....

The sled and walking stick from Germany, the rotary phone from Heidenheimer, the plant Joseph sent

Our trek around a bitter cold Europe

Beginning to look like a replica of your Holland fridge?

We went "green" before it was hip!

And the other kind of green bag!

You also gave me my love for reading......

An Email

2011-05-05T15:11:00.009-05:00

I know you get as many forwarded email as I. Once in a while I read one that hits me and I think to share it. If you have read long, you know I am a fiend for quotes. This is one of those email I received I felt compelled to share. My apologies that there is no credit given to the originator of each quote.

A birth certificate shows you were born. A death certificate shows you have died. A photo album shows you have lived.

Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

A sharp tongue can cut your own throat.

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.

the heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

You lie the loudest when you lie to yourself.

If you lack the courage to start, you have already finished.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Ideas won't work unless you do.

Your mind is like a parachute...it functions only when open.

The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime!

It is never too late to become what you might have been.

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.. So love the people who treat you right.. Forget about the ones who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

You must....

2011-05-04T21:52:00.004-05:00

You must have been the best mother in the world.

Have prayed seventeen times a day...just for me.

Been the strongest woman on earth.

Had a direct connection to God.

Have been hand-picked to parent a daughter like me.

Know how much I miss you everyday.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you.

You are woven into every thought, dream and ambition I possess......

Happy Mother's Day, mom.

I miss you and love you.....

Affected or Affecting?

2011-04-26T15:00:00.004-05:00

I had lunch with a pretty incredible fellow yesterday. I was talking about my view of the world or some such mumbo jumbo. When I talked about how I have a group of peers I can share my woes with that I lovingly call “my people”, I explained that they are the kind of friends I can call at the end of a bad day and tell them I want to poke a persons eyes out and they know I am not going to actually poke a persons eyes out, that I am just expressing sincere exasperation….he provided me with some new feedback.

Okay, gang. This is when Paula must read her own BOP (Book of Paula)! Because there are many pages devoted to receiving feedback in a place of openness, sincerity, and love.

He said (and I shall paraphrase)…..what if you turned that around a little...to a more positive place? Huh? Hippie! What are you talking about? Positive place? I thought it was positive that I had a group of peers who understood me and let me vent. I have always been a little fond of my cutting (and witty) sarcasm. Nevertheless, I admit that I listened long enough to hear a golden piece of information……

He then said:

Are you letting things affect you or are you affecting them? Holy Moses! Now that hit me hard. Not just because it was profound, but because I talk all around that everyday. Isn’t that a great question? How often do I cringe when I hear “victim talk”? How often do I make presentations on change? How often do I speak of people captaining their own ship?

Yeah, that is it, my friends. When faced with a situation, ask that question!

Affected or affecting?

Like Mother like Sonshine?

2011-04-22T10:55:00.004-05:00

No doubt my own mother is laughing right now.

As I was looking through some photos we took at our weekly Mother-Sonshine breakfast yesterday I sought with desperation to find one where he wasn't making a face! I laughed out loud remembering how I was my mom's family photo problem! How many photos do I have in a box from my growing up years where I am making a face?

A particular photo that comes to mind was actually taken on Easter. Likely a very important day for my mom. We were all dressed up. I was even wearing a pink dress (which was not a regular occurrence for a Tom boy). Mom had even curled my hair. And I wasn't three. I was probably in the fourth grade. Everyone was standing together smiling in the photo....well, except me and mom. I was making a face and trying to raise my hand to sign something of great importance, I assume. And mom, looking exasperated by this experience (which leads me to believe it wasn't the only photo I added my "character"), was giving me the "mom" look while trying to hold my hand down. I had no idea why she was such a party pooper!

Well, I know now.

Before I get out for the day to get my Easter supplies so I can get things baked and gathered for my trek to Central Texas tomorrow it hit me that this is my first Easter with my family without my mom. I was in Florida speaking at the Air Force conference last year over Easter weekend so I didn't attend the first year after her death. Intentionally? Maybe. Amazingly, though, she weaves herself into my life everyday. I guess she was there on Holy Thursday when my little Sonshine was making picture taking really eventful. She might have even been encouraging him!

But we finally got one!

Thanks, Mom!

N4N

2011-04-16T18:52:00.006-05:00

"Not for Nothing" is a phrase I first heard someone in the Northeast use. I've come to understand that phrase, from my own perspective, more intimately, in the last year. Because of a number of losses I've experienced in the last three years I could sum up the autumn of 2010 as a real "fall". As things began piecing back together I began to realize while I was experiencing loss I was vulnerable and felt fear of letting anyone see the real pain.

I went to therapy, sometimes A LOT OF TIMES in a week and talked to a couple of close friends frequently. However, a feeling of anxiety surrounded me. My heart knows vulnerability is not a bad thing; however, my brain was attempting to protect me. I felt safer staying silent.

Fortunately, that is not my truth today. Today I say to myself, and often out loud (yes, even out loud to myself) "Not for Nothing"! Each experience, even those painful in my path are Not for Nothing. As a matter of opinion, these experiences are for a whole heck of a lot.

Loss of marriage, mom's terminal illness, moving to a new city, two career-long goals realized, the shift of a close relationship, sell of my house, my son going to a new school, my mother's death as a result of a car accident, the unexpected loss of my job and first time of being unemployed - all within three years, I add smiling, was Not for Nothing.

Nope. Not for Nothing.

Inexpensive CEU's!

2011-04-13T16:20:00.002-05:00

Non-Violent Crisis Intervention

(DSHS Required Facility Training)

April 29, 2011

11:00 AM – 3:00 PM

Lunch Included

Instructor: Paula Heller-Garland, MS, LCDC

Access Counseling

2600 K Ave; Plano, TX 75074

Only $25

Limited Seating, Register Today!

(972) 423-8727

4 Hour CEU Provided for LCDC, In-Service Certificate Provided for Others

Busy

2011-04-06T21:06:00.003-05:00

I assume because I have been working on a great new project I have neglected writing as often as usual. Then again, writing ebbs and flows.

I am very excited to be working on the Big Texas Rally for Recovery in Austin to take place on October 1, 2011 (www.texasrecovers.org). At the same time I miss my little Sonshine while I am on the road.

Today while making my usual trek up I-35 I stopped at a roadside park for a few moments. I watched as a woman parked in front of me got out of her car then opened the back door. She helped an older woman out of the car. I assumed it was her mother. She held her hand as she walked up the sidewalk.

It occurred to me how much better I am doing today than I was a year ago. It also struck me things will never be the same. There will be occasions the rest of my life that I see a glimpse of a scene I miss. And memories will flood my heart. Seeing something we once did, flowers that I know she would love or just having an experience I long to tell her. Likely, life will always be that way. My gratitude hangs in having had those times to remember. And I feel so blessed to have had such wonderful and loving parents.

I will write again soon. Once I am quiet and hear that still, small voice that guides me to the place where my creativity lives.

Soak up Spring!

To You

2011-04-04T12:24:00.002-05:00

Walt Whitman (1819–1892).

WHOEVER you are, I fear you are walking the walks of dreams,
I fear these supposed realities are to melt from under your feet and hands;
Even now, your features, joys, speech, house, trade, manners, troubles, follies, costume, crimes, dissipate away from you,
Your true Soul and Body appear before me,
They stand forth out of affairs—out of commerce, shops, law, science, work, forms, clothes, the house, medicine, print, buying, selling, eating, drinking, suffering, dying.	5

Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you, that you be my poem;
I whisper with my lips close to your ear,
I have loved many women and men, but I love none better than you.

O I have been dilatory and dumb;
I should have made my way straight to you long ago;	10
I should have blabb’d nothing but you, I should have chanted nothing but you.

I will leave all, and come and make the hymns of you;
None have understood you, but I understand you;
None have done justice to you—you have not done justice to yourself;
None but have found you imperfect—I only find no imperfection in you;	15
None but would subordinate you—I only am he who will never consent to subordinate you;
I only am he who places over you no master, owner, better, God, beyond what waits intrinsically in yourself.

Painters have painted their swarming groups, and the centre figure of all;
From the head of the centre figure spreading a nimbus of gold-color’d light;
But I paint myriads of heads, but paint no head without its nimbus of gold-color’d light;	20
From my hand, from the brain of every man and woman it streams, effulgently flowing forever.

O I could sing such grandeurs and glories about you!
You have not known what you are—you have slumber’d upon yourself all your life;
Your eye-lids have been the same as closed most of the time;
What you have done returns already in mockeries;	25
(Your thrift, knowledge, prayers, if they do not return in mockeries, what is their return?)

The mockeries are not you;
Underneath them, and within them, I see you lurk;
I pursue you where none else has pursued you;
Silence, the desk, the flippant expression, the night, the accustom’d routine, if these conceal you from others, or from yourself, they do not conceal you from me;	30
The shaved face, the unsteady eye, the impure complexion, if these balk others, they do not balk me,
The pert apparel, the deform’d attitude, drunkenness, greed, premature death, all these I part aside.

There is no endowment in man or woman that is not tallied in you;
There is no virtue, no beauty, in man or woman, but as good is in you;
No pluck, no endurance in others, but as good is in you;	35
No pleasure waiting for others, but an equal pleasure waits for you.

As for me, I give nothing to any one, except I give the like carefully to you;
I sing the songs of the glory of none, not God, sooner than I sing the songs of the glory of you.

Whoever you are! claim your own at any hazard!
These shows of the east and west are tame, compared to you;	40
These immense meadows—these interminable rivers—you are immense and interminable as they;
These furies, elements, storms, motions of Nature, throes of apparent dissolution—you are he or she who is master or mistress over them,
Master or mistress in your own right over Nature, elements, pain, passion, dissolution.

The hopples fall from your ankles—you find an unfailing sufficiency;
Old or young, male or female, rude, low, rejected by the rest, whatever you are promulges itself;	45
Through birth, life, death, burial, the means are provided, nothing is scanted;
Through angers, losses, ambition, ignorance, ennui, what you are picks its way.

HB 3145

2011-03-26T09:25:00.004-05:00

The bill has been assigned a number! HB 3145. Just a reminder of the main points before you call your area representatives:

1. Funding for LCDC Peer assistance program through license fees as was intended in previous legislation.

Chemical dependency counselors want to increase their relicensing fee nominally in order to support impaired peers to receive the same help we offer.

2. Eliminate the requirement that applicants for an LCDC license pass an oral examination to align Texas’ licensure requirements with International Certification & Reciprocity Consortium standards.

Currently LCDC applicants take both a written and an oral test that is cumbersome and costly. In order to keep requirements in Texas on the same page as international testing requirements and decrease logistical and financial hardships for individuals already underpaid.

3. Modify criminal history standards to address unintended consequences stemming from the passage of SB 155 in the 80^th legislature.

Prior to the passage of SB 155, Texas Department of State Health Services allowed applicants to register as a counselor intern when they were within two years of meeting the time restrictions for different categories of crimes. It would be beneficial if DSHS may, but do not require, the waiting period if the applicants are successfully in completion of the peer assistance program.

Trouble Tree

2011-03-25T09:58:00.003-05:00

A great story....it isn't mine and unfortunately, have not been able to locate an author.

I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job, a flat tire made him lose an hour of work & his electric drill quit, his ancient one-ton truck refused to start. As I drove him home, he sat in stony silence.

On arriving he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. Upon opening the door he had undergone an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do at the little tree.

"Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again." Funny thing is," he smiled", when I come out in the morning to pick them up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."

Mother Teresa

2011-03-15T09:26:00.003-05:00

I found this to be something inspiring and on this seventh day of our Lenten season, I thought it appropriate. I hope you enjoy it, regardless of your spiritual beliefs.

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.

~Mother Teresa

Headed Outdoors....

2011-03-11T11:18:00.004-06:00

"It is the marriage of the soul with nature that makes the intellect fruitful

and gives birth to imagination".

~ Henry David Thoreau

The Wait....

2011-03-05T12:30:00.001-06:00

A professional opportunity has recently been presented to me that peaked my interest. It is an area I believe I could perform well and learn a great deal at the same time. How often does that come along? I have talked with a number of the people involved. I have confided thoughts and received feedback from several people I trust. I believe this is the direction I want to go. Because I was not looking for the opportunity when it came along it felt even more of a path to investigate.

I have done the work involved to attain the opportunity. I have presented my wants and compromises. Now I shall wait for the answer.

I haven’t always been good at waiting. However, with my career, I am getting better. Perhaps, it is because I have worked nearly twenty years in the same field and I know my value. I know the strengths I can bring to an organization. And I know I won’t fall apart if an opportunity doesn’t work out.

But, more than that, I know things that are meant to be will anyway. And when I get in the way it only adds more worry, more misery and more chaos. Who wants that? Not me. There are many doors in my life today. I will know the one to go through because I am relying on guidance from One far greater than I. Therefore, I need no luck. Only faith.

The world is all gates, all opportunities, strings of tension waiting to be struck.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

What are you waiting for?

Mission Impossible?

2011-03-01T09:50:00.005-06:00

Not at all!

Recently I have had a number of experiences that culminated in the thoughts I am having this morning. A few years ago I developed a personal and professional mission statement. Over time I streamlined it into three words: Live with authenticity.

During a number of conversations over the past two weeks I have been in discussion with people who use that word. Authenticity.

What does that mean? Perhaps, something different to each person, but for me authenticity means living out loud. It means that people see and get the same person. The best litmus test for knowing if I am living with authenticity would be that everyone I know and who knows me be together in the same room at the same time and I be unafraid.

Unafraid because I am only one person and I am consistently that person. Constantly, in the process of recovering my life and at the same time working in a profession that helps others recover, I have been met different ideas on how a person in this profession expresses their personal ideals, values, issues, and life. For me it has changed a great deal from the beginning until now. Which, feels precisely as it should.

Today I have no shame about the life I lived, the experiences I have had and the distance I have come. I do not regret all decisions and circumstance. I have learned much, especially from the struggles, that I would want it no other way. I have come to embrace my flaws as eagerly as my positive power, on most occasions.

I have taught students becoming counselors, spoken around the world to others in the profession, supervised interns and others. At one time in my life I might have believed that I needed to be a certain kind of person as a result. Possibly, worry about my appearance (and I don’t mean my hair), if you will. Saying the right things, doing the right things and being the right person at all times. I realize that because of these relationships people do look to me for advice and guidance and I greatly appreciate that kind of trust. However, never do I want to present an image of being perfect, having all answers or being anything more than fallible. In order to be the person I am I must live with authenticity in all of my relationships.

After a period of nearly three years of personal strife married to many conversations with other professionals related to our “helping profession” these thoughts came to me…..if the personal strife is exactly what we help others through, why on earth do we hold it against one another when “we” (helping professionals) go through it ourselves? From these thoughts I developed a workshop called The Biased Helper? Moving from Impaired Vision to Insight. While I am still gathering empirical data, most of this workshop is based on the BOP (Book of Paula). For those of you who don’t know….the BOP is what I call data I have gathered through personal experience rather than qualitative or quantitative data.

More to come…..

Candles

2011-02-26T19:18:00.002-06:00

Today was productive. I got up early enough to do my usual Saturday cleaning, do the laundry (even folded, hung and put away) and make a real breakfast. Probably genetic, I feel a sense of great accomplishment when things are neat and tidy. The weather was just right for open windows. When windows are open and the house is clean I love to light candles. Again, probably something I picked up from my mom.

I’d bought three candles about two years ago because they smelled so good and they matched the colors in my bedroom perfectly. And I never lit them.

Today I lit them. My son saw them and said, “I thought you weren’t going to use those”. I thought I wasn’t either. But today I wondered what I was waiting on. Why do we so often put away our nice china only to be displayed in a cabinet? Or store other treasures where we can’t even enjoy them in our view?

I lit the candles and said out loud, “what am I waiting on? Someone to sell them in a garage sale for a quarter after I die?” And it was beautiful. And the smell was even more incredible than I remembered.

All lit up!

Links of Interest

2011-02-23T20:28:00.003-06:00

I received this link in an email. I found it interesting.

http://www.mastersinhealthcare.com/blog/2011/25-addictions-you-didnt-know-existed/

They discuss pica disorders. Here is a link to the explanation of those: http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/914765-overview

The show, "My Strange Addiction" has covered a number of these. You can go to the TLC website for this show here: http://tlc.discovery.com/tv/my-strange-addiction/

I hope this is useful!

My Peace Poem

2011-02-22T10:12:00.003-06:00

Today I needed peace, so I sought it.

When my twisted, tangled outcries for relief went unanswered

And my tear-soaked eyes were tired and I, nearly dehydrated

Fell to the bed and begged for mercy

My mind rehashed the painful events

And I shouted out

As loud as I could muster….

Why?

And I thought and rethought through all of the drama

The trials, the pain, the pain

The soreness was relived

Not relieved

And I asked myself

And even others

When will this pain stop….

And I heard no answers

So I am allowed to stumble about

In my desolation

I am allowed because I created it

In my mind

In my thoughts

In my deeds

I shouted out again

Where is peace

Where is serenity

Where is love

And this morning you answered

You said

It is everywhere

It is within you

It is around you

And once more I asked

But this time

I whispered

How do I attain it

And your voice was

As clear as a Saturday in the spring….

In the house in Heidenheimer

Widows open and the leaves rustling outside

…..and you said to me…

You go get it

So I did

I miss you everyday but you are always in my heart and I hear your voice when I listen.

Eat, Pray, Love

2011-02-20T18:56:00.004-06:00

Sometime ago I bought the book but this weekend watched the movie, Eat, Pray, Love. I never read the book but will now. I text a friend as the movie intro began and the character sat watching a book she had written come alive through an actor on stage. She was awestruck at the truth of her life. As was I. It felt as if another was telling my story.

The movie went on to touch issues at my core. On my 40^th birthday someone who was close to me at that time gave me a book and some feedback so similar to this movie…..the synergy of life was the message then. Also, the personal message about allowing people to enter into my life to teach me. He also gave me a simple suggestion to begin looking at people and meeting them as possible teachers in unpredictable places like book stores and coffee shops in order not to miss opportunities. While I have done that, I have a long way to grow.

There were many quotes I made notes about during the movie…..

“Balance is not letting anyone love you less than you love yourself”

“I don’t need easy, just not hard”

“God dwells within you, as you”

“You don’t need a man, you need a champion”

“Sometimes to lose balance for love is part of living a balanced life”

The last monologue in the movie spoke to me most.

“Something I call the physics of the quest, a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of quest physics goes something like this -- If you’re brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and conformity which can be anything from your house to bitter old resentments and set out on a truth seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you along that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared most of all to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself then the truth will not be withheld from you”.

I will.

Bill

2011-02-17T20:06:00.004-06:00

A bill that will be filed as early as this week by Rep. Elliot Naishtat, District 49 needs support. Until it is filed there is not a bill number, but I will update you as soon as it has one.

This was part of the points covered during the capital visits of 180 people yesterday. It would be a great benefit if everyone could contact their representatives and voice support for this bill. Most of these points were met with no contest during last session but the bill died on the calendar last session because of the stall tactics used at the time, fortunately, those are now no longer allowed.

The talking points in the bill that will directly impact the 4000 chemical dependency counselors and those we serve in Texas are:

1. Funding for LCDC Peer assistance program through license fees as was intended in previous legislation.

Chemical dependency counselors want to increase their relicensing fee nominally in order to support impaired peers to receive the same help we offer.

3. Modify criminal history standards to address unintended consequences stemming from the passage of SB 155 in the 80^th legislature.

In Relation to....

2011-02-10T09:44:00.005-06:00

In relationships, especially around Valentine’s Day and other gift giving holidays, it seems I hear people talking about what to get each other a lot.

I love giving. Don’t get me wrong. I see things all the time that I think, “so and so would love this” and I might get it for them. I get things for people I care about because I am a giver. When they cross my mind I send a text, an email, an old fashioned card or get them a gift. If I have extra money and I go to lunch with someone I care about I might even pick up the tab.

That is a characteristic I possess when I care. But, I don’t want my “doing” to be the reason a person wants to be a friend or lover.

So the thought went through my head today: Is who I am enough of a reason for you to be in my life? If everything I “did” for you ended today for some reason, would you still love me? If you didn’t get a card from me at Christmas or a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day, would I be enough?

This thought causes me to turn inward and examine, as many of my thoughts do. Who is in my life today? Why do I love them? What do I expect from them beyond just being who they are? And if I do expect more from them than who they are…..is that fair?

Who are you? Is that enough?

Who Represents You?

2011-02-09T09:54:00.003-06:00

If you have ever had a complaint but did nothing about it but complain.....change that today!

If there is something in government that you want to see different, contact your representatives today. If you live in Texas and don't know who represents you.....just go to this website and put in your address. You will know all you need to contact them and let your voice be heard!

http://www.house.state.tx.us/members/find-your-representative/

Speaking Wednesday

2011-02-07T12:07:00.003-06:00

I will be speaking at the North Texas EAPA monthly luncheon on Wednesday, February 9, 2011. The networking begins around 11:30AM. The workshop is wrapped up by 1:00 PM.

Topic: The Biased Helper? The Trek Toward Insight

Location: 2700 Preston Road/Dallas, Texas 75230

This is the first time I will make this presentation....a new one very close to my heart. I hope to see a few friendly faces in the audience.

Japan 2011

2011-02-02T15:49:00.003-06:00

This sweet street vendor handmade me a bracelet and necklace.

And took advantage of my tourist ways by completely overcharging me!

Great memories, though.

NAADAC News

2011-02-02T13:34:00.002-06:00

On January 24, Congressman John Sullivan (R-OK) and Congressman Tim Ryan (D-OH) announced they will serve as Co-Chairmen of the bipartisan Congressional Addiction, Treatment and Recovery Caucus in the 112th Congress. Additionally, Congresswoman Mary Bono Mack (R-CA) and Congressman Paul Tonko (D-NY ) have signed on to serve as vice co chairs of the caucus. The bipartisan Congressional Addiction, Treatment and Recovery Caucus was founded in 2004 by former Congressman Patrick Kenedy (D-RI) to serve as a groundbreaking forum to inform, educate and raise awareness about addiction and recovery and to increase legislative support for expanding access to care for people with addiction.

Congressman John Sullivan offered the following statement:

“I am proud to join my colleagues Reps. Ryan, Bono Mack and Tonko in announcing that we have officially registered the Congressional Addiction and Recovery Caucus for the 112th Congress. This is as important caucus to help put a public face on addiction issues facing our country. This caucus is especially important to Oklahoma as we have one of the highest rates of mental illness in America, with up to one-fourth of Oklahomans suffering from a mental health condition or addiction disorder. I look forward to working with my colleagues to raise awareness and advance public policies of importance to the addiction and mental health community.”

Congressman Tim Ryan offered the following statement:

“I look forward to working with my colleagues, especially John Sullivan, on this Caucus to advance legislation that’s mindful of a more rigorous system for not just treating addiction but also preventing it. In the most severe circumstances, history tells us that the way that these illnesses are treated and supervised must be reformed. I hope that the efforts of this Caucus will play a significant role in all aspects of the prevention, treatment and rehabilitation process.”

Not a Virgo!

2011-01-17T14:59:00.003-06:00

I have been a Libra all of my life. All-of-my-life. Who is this telling me I now need to be a Virgo? It doesn’t even fit for me. I fully and wholly embrace the characteristics of Libra, even the “dark side”. I don’t want to be no stinkin’ Virgo. No offense to Virgos. Reasons I should remain Libra:

The symbol is a SCALE. If I don’t represent a scale, I don’t know who does. My emotions have been ruled by a scale since I was 9. There you go.

The positive side of Libra indicates that I am diplomatic and urbane . Romantic and charming . Easygoing and sociable.  Idealistic and peaceable. Who doesn’t think I am urbane? And the dark side of Libra signifies I am indecisive and changeable. Gullible and easily influenced. Flirtatious and self-indulgent. I am. Maybe not. Yes, I am. See.

The Virgo, you might ask?

Well, the symbol is a VIRGIN. Okay, skip the comments.

The positive side of Virgo is Modest and shy . Meticulous and reliable . Practical and diligent . Intelligent and analytical. Shy? Modest? Practical? What? No.

And the dark side? Fussy and a worrier.  Overcritical and harsh.   Perfectionist and conservative. Okay, I am not conservative. Humph. I will accept a rising in Virgo or something, but I am not going to explain to the next single man I meet that I was born a Libra but became a Virgo in 2011. Does that require surgery, by the way?

See? Stubborn.

Relationship

2011-01-12T18:41:00.004-06:00

So, I let the cat (so to speak) out of the bag on Facebook Tuesday night. By midday Wednesday I had received five congratulations calls. There is a new relationship in my life.

Much to the dismay of many, I assume, as I am a frequent “pro-no relationship” kind of girl.This relationship wasn’t my idea. It was my son’s idea. He’s been wanting this to happen for years. I have moved from being adamantly opposed to being open. Together we began the search to find the perfect match several months ago.

My apprehension? Why bring another into my home? Disrupt my even flow? To be tied down?To feed another? To clean up mess? And put up with smell? Yes, you heard me right. I said smell.

But he came home with us on Saturday after we met. Yes, we moved him right in. And I fell in love. Yes, love.

We now go for walks. We cuddle on the sofa. And believe it or not, I have even found myself talking like a baby to him. I know. Me, talking like a baby!

I leave in the morning with a promise to return. And I can’t wait to walk in the door to see him.To giggle when he does something “cute”. And he does so many cute things.

I’ve not given into kisses at this point, it seems too early in the relationship. But I do cuddle.

So, I want everyone to meet him. His name is Max. And I think he is adorable!

(I know I should not let him be seen in the cone of shame...but I cannot keep him to myself any longer!)

I am babbling about him. And even looking for pet friendly hotels for our future. I cannot believe I have a pet. This is my first. And I am completely head over heels for the little guy.

Amazingly, this is a real commitment!

Wonder Why?

2011-01-10T13:43:00.000-06:00

There are times I can’t let it go.

Why?

A question that won’t be answered.

At least not in this lifetime.

But I find myself asking anyway.

Why?

What were you thinking, feeling?

Why?

Why that day?

Why that choice?

Why was the thing you were thinking, feeling enough that night?

Did you know how many people would cry?

Or was it just too much to think about?

Why?

I miss you.

So do so many others.

And many cannot stop wondering why.

A Decade Ago....

2011-01-02T08:55:00.006-06:00

All of the days on the advent calendar have been pulled, the gifts have been exchanged, goodies baked and eaten, decorations put away, carols and auld lang syne have been sung. Now it is time to look at the year….And the decade. A lot can happen in a decade!

2000: I had been happily married for a little over a year and living a nearly fairy tale life in Germany. We spent Valentine’s Day in Paris and all was good in the world. In 2000 I visited the Czech Republic, Italy, France, Switzerland, Austria, Poland, The Netherlands, England, and Lichtenstein. In May I found out we were going to have a baby. In October I was excited to have a visit from my mom and both sisters. And I met a lot of great people from all over the world. I also began graduate school. 2000 was the first Christmas I did not spend with my family in Texas because our not so little bundle of joy was expected at anytime during the holidays.

What has changed in your life in the last decade?

Ten years......

More Misery

2010-12-30T19:05:00.006-06:00

I was given two books today one called Misery the other More Misery, written by Suzanne Heller (no relation). The gifter said he read them as a boy. I read through both of them and began to chuckle, realizing that while these books were made for kids, they have such meaning for adults, as well.

Some of the things noted as what misery is, obviously in the eyes of a child, are indeed miserable:

- When you’re playing “Giant Steps” and you forget to say, “May I?”

- When you’re not old enough to play with the big kids and too old to play with the little kids.

- When you have soft bread and hard butter.

- When you’re thirteen and don’t need a bra.

- When you have to go to the ladies room and you’re a boy.

- When you’ve been promised a dog for Christmas and you get a canary named Fido.

- When you’re riding in the car and everyone smells dog doody and you discover it’s on your shoes.

- When you have a new box of crayons and you have to share it with your friend who presses too hard.

Both books had me smiling. So true, these things are miserable at the time they happen. But it also had me thinking about the past. How many times have I thought something was miserable, even unbearable, at the time that I don’t think much about now? How much time have I spent worried and glum about something that seems very small now? I would like to worry less about simple things and enjoy living a little more.

How much time do you?

Thursday Without (many) Words....

2010-12-30T11:43:00.006-06:00

During my Sonshine's holiday break.......

Christmas Day at my Brother's House.....

Japanese Food In Granbury

Visiting with Mom's Side of the family after Christmas Eve Mass

Christmas Day Breakfast at Hotel....

Loss

2010-12-26T17:02:00.003-06:00

I met her in 2001 right after I returned from Germany. A mutual friend introduced us with a simple nod of the head and a quick phrase, “you two need to know each other”. And we did.

I learned a great deal from her over the short nine years I knew her. In the counseling field she was brilliant. She knew her stuff. She was a great teacher. She was very confident about the material she presented. And she cared.

When I sold my counseling center she asked if she could take it over. It felt right letting her because I knew there was a difference in selling it to a large company than to a person who was working in the field everyday.

She wasn’t my best friend. And frankly, there were times we didn’t see eye to eye. I think we were both similar in speaking our minds more often than was good for us. But we had respect for one another. And I considered her a friend as well as a colleague. She helped me through some challenging times. She would lend an ear and words of advice and encouragement when I asked….and sometimes when I didn’t.

When I received the news that she was gone I was shocked. That was only 48 hours ago and I think I still am. I am very sad. Losing her is a loss to the field and to the world. I have gone to her Facebook page a dozen times since and read the beautiful messages left by so many who loved her. I wonder if she knew? I wonder if she had any idea how many people would miss her? How many people she helped throughout her sobriety and her career? And I wonder if that would have made a difference to her? If she had known would she have made the same decisions?

I have talked out loud about it with others. I have had many people tell me they can’t understand why she decided she couldn’t bear the pain long enough to get to the other side. Sadly, I completely understand. In the last year of my life I have understood that more than I ever openly admitted. I get it. Sometimes it is too much. Sometimes it feels that it will never end. I have walked in that valley of hopelessness believing there was no end.

I think of that similarity between us. Typically smiling and telling everyone things were “a little crazy” but “I will be just fine”. Inside desperately wishing to reach out but fearing the rejection from those who judge. I am not sure if that is a trait of those in the counseling field or just a characteristic some of us carry, but either way, this might be a wake up call.

The counseling field is tight knit. It seems everyone knows everyone and knows what everyone does. And we work so hard to help clients overcome their deficits that an outsider might imagine we allow other counselors and ourselves the same. But, it doesn’t always feel that way. It seems we hold ourselves to a higher standard. Even in the greatest depression I experienced I asked only a handful of other professionals for help and I asked most often as if it was for another person.

I wonder if she was afraid of asking for help? For being vulnerable or being judged? How sad, if so. How incredibly disheartening the thought that we don’t love our fellow helping professional enough to allow them to express the same things we encourage clients. That we don’t allow them time to be sad, to breakdown, to be weak a moment, to ask for help.

What a great loss. What a great sadness. What questions left that may never be answered. I pray she has found peace. I pray that her spirit is full. I pray that her family, her friends, and the entire counseling community are comforted and find value in having been part of her journey.

Rest in peace, my friend.

The Couch

2010-12-23T21:56:00.003-06:00

As the year winds down I typically find myself reflecting. It is an annual event that I recap my year. This is characteristically an event of self-evaluation. It is my litmus test for productivity and growth, if you will.

In December 2009 I was spending each weekend and my son’s holiday vacation at my mom’s house with her death still fresh in my heart. The process of sorting and packing fell to me. For one reason, I had the time. For another, I needed that process. Each of my siblings posses different strengths. Mine seems to be in emotion. I recall those days and think of how dark they were. It seems it was then I felt the most alone in my life. I even recollect writing about the process of losing “home”.

Between her death and through most of the winter I spent time on the couch. I sat on my couch at home and the one in my therapists’ office (metaphorically speaking, of course, he actually has chairs!). The depth of my sadness was brutal. It stole my breath, nearly my life.

As dark as some of my writing was at that time, it was edited in order to be published. It wasn’t out of shame as much as my desire for it to be palatable for those who read. I didn’t want anyone aware of how hopeless I felt for fear others would be ready for me to “get over it”. But not now, as I am getting to the other side of it now and I feel I have a story to tell. Maybe not all of it today, maybe just in bits and pieces….I am going to tell the story. Outloud.

One of the things I kept reminding myself during those bleaker days last year was if I allowed myself to be sad, hurt, lonely, angry, and anything else that came up, I would grow and learn. And one day I would be where I am today…..a little better but always changed. With a great deal of work to still be done I am grateful at the same time.

I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. I have hope for the New Year and look forward…..which is more than I can say for last December.

Onward, again.

Out of town....

2010-12-20T20:32:00.003-06:00

Most people who know me, even a little, know I love to go and it really doesn’t matter where the destination. I do enjoy quiet peaceful days at home, as well. But, there is so much excitement for me in travel. Airlines and hotels know of my travel bug for they shower my inbox with “specials” multiple times a week.

We just spent about 24 hours in Glen Rose, Texas. Our plans were cut short when my Sonshine woke up with a fever and something that is looking like the flu. But before this we had a chance to do some hiking, looking, playing and lots of picture taking!!!

Here are a few shots.....

Signs like these we find priceless because we have many hours of laughs about possible meanings!

He likes to look tough, but I know loves his mom!

Getting to feel like a child is priceless!

Finale of the evening at the Japanese Restaurant!

A Decade

2010-12-08T19:26:00.005-06:00

Sonshine,

You will be 10 in January. You have been part of my life for an entire decade. Amazing. But, honestly, you have been part of my dream for much longer. Sometimes I believe I dreamed you into life. When I imagined a baby before it was even a possible reality I closed my eyes and saw that blonde haired, blue eyed angel.

You have taught me more than anyone so far. And I see no signs of it slowing down.

About a year before the good news that you would be on your way I began planning for you. I remember all the food I ate, all the vitamin enriched drinks, and the things I gave up. I remember telling your dad that I must want you a lot because there had never been another I was willing to give up so much for!

I will never forget the day in May I found out for sure you were on your way I was so excited. I told your dad and one of my friends. Then we started making phone calls back to the states to tell our family. I knew on that day that I was blessed beyond belief.

I have so many memories of carrying you all around Europe in my belly...and calling you EGG. To protect your humility I will keep the reason between those of us who already know why. I couldn't wait until the day of your arrival. And out you bounced on January 11...weighing 10 1/2 pounds (a point I know I bring up way too often)! I fell in love with you the minute I laid eyes on you and it is a love that has been growing since.

You have brought joy, laughter and hope to my life. Each day with you has been new. Seeing the world through your eyes has been phenomenal.

God put me on earth for a few specific reasons. Being your mom was the most important. And I thank Him everyday for the opportunity and gift. Sometimes it seems like my soul is walking outside of my body.

I love you more than words.

That time of the year!

2010-12-01T21:44:00.005-06:00

I do love this time of year. The weather, just a little more crisp. The smell, just a little more like cedar. The music, just a little more cheerful. The mood, just a little more jolly.

One of my favorite events prior to Christmas is taking photos for Christmas cards. We did that this evening. Of the many, many, many taken only a few are useable. But the process was fun.The older my son gets the more fun he is to be around. The sense of humor he has developed is as if he channels my dad. He is entertaining, joyful and insightful. I couldn’t have asked for a better memory than our 2010 Christmas photo attempt!

And here are some of the results!

Generation Gap

2010-11-23T19:56:00.004-06:00

(At campsite Monday morning)

I am now old enough to use the phrase, “back when I was your age” a lot more than I thought I would. Camping this week is again bringing those words to my lips.

Yes, I am camping in a tent…outside….and this time no one forced me. It was actually something I thought of on my own. And I am enjoying it more than my hard head will ever allow me to admit.

This morning as I walked with my son to the water faucet so we could wash our hands and face I handed him a bar of soap and said, “do you know how to use a bar of soap?” I wasn’t being sarcastic. It occurred to me that in his lifetime he has used body wash for bathing and liquid soap for hand cleaning. Bars are from “back in my day”.

It is during times like these that I find myself trying to provide him life lessons. Because we have very limited electricity (enough to power my lap top and phone this time) we have talked a lot about how things were when I was growing up. I have also offered a few stories I remember my parents and grandparents telling me about when they were growing up. One of my favorite from my mothers memory was a time when a war was going on and the city required everyone to turn out all the lights as a drill for possible air raids one day. My grandmother wouldn’t turn out the lights because she had an infant. My mom told me how the police would come by and urge the requirement. While those stories mean more to me now than when I was “his age” that is when I heard them.

I assume they were stories with hidden meaning by my parents because they saw how much I had (more than them) and hoped I didn’t grow up being a spoiled brat taking advantage of things. When I was in elementary school learning spelling I was privileged to do so through the fun technology of the Speak and Spell. My mother had to learn standing at a chalkboard with a nun at her back. It wasn’t until I was a mother of a child learning in far more advanced ways than I that I could ever understand the hidden meaning of those stories.

In the curriculum I continue to work on and implement with my clients I talk a lot about the generation gap. I believe it is important to understand our family dynamics in order to understand ourselves better. In doing so I find that recognizing the differences in generations of the family to be significant. I certainly live in a different world than my mom when she was 41 and my son lives in a different world at 9 than I did at that age. Without recognition of those differences, I will fail to understand the people in my family, thus, failing an ability to communicate with them…..which will lead to the success or failure of our relationships. It is simply summed up in the adage, “don’t judge another until you walk a mile in their shoes”……

Even if he rolls his eyes behind my back, I will continue to tell him the stories and hope some will stick.