I have found being busy, mission oriented and full of stress to be a cause to keep the focus off of the emotional. My thoughts, I surmise, is that it is easier to deal with tasks than with the hassle of feeling. The truth? It is tiring. Trying to bottle up emotion by concentrating on real or made up responsibility takes more energy than actually dealing with the “stuff”.
There aren’t any childhood traumas to deal with today. It is just the day-to-day life issues that are building up. There are many uncharted territory matters that I am meeting in my path. While I am eager for challenge I am also feeling discomfort in the practical application of change.
When I know what to expect, I am positive. When I am fearful, I often become negative. There are multiple areas of my life that are presently shifting. None of them are unconstructive but they bring familiar trepidation.
After getting into the groove of graduate school I became at ease and realized my potential. I began to see that I was able to complete the work. When graduate school ended the comfort ended. A lifelong dream was realized but I was secure in graduate school. Now that I am faced with the new challenge of doctoral work I am out of my comfort zone and feeling discontent.
As the relationships in my life change I feel the insecurity of the adjustment at the same time I see the excitement in new opportunities. Again, the issue of security arises.
Related to my career, I have come upon challenges I have not had to this point. Again, they are not something I do not need to tackle; only something I had not previously encountered.
I have also allowed myself to become friends with two or three people. And being friends instead of acquaintances is tricky. Friendship for me brings about a vulnerability I feel anxious about.
While I desire the experiences I have in front of me it is causing the apprehension that the unknown brings. Today I am attempting to focus on the present. I am fully aware that clinging to contentment will not allow me to grow as I desire. Experience is enriching. Each day I will just remind myself what a past friend used to tell me, “put on your big girl panties” and do it.